Mr. Fix-It (ish)

I am a fixer by nature.  I like to fix things.  I want to fix things.  I can't wait to have a workroom in a house to put tools and a workbench and table saw and a jig saw and old peanut butter jars of assorted nails and screws.

And fix things.

Or make new things.

I can't wait.

Taciturn?

I have run out of words.  Ironic, since now I'm writing about it.

I've run out of words to say.  Some people are rich with conversation and humor and never seem to run out of something compelling to talk about.  If not compelling, then at least interesting.  They are blessed with a wealth of words to say.  We call them extroverts.  Their bank account never runs dry and often seems to fill up when they have the opportunity to talk.  Me, however?  Some days, I feel like I'm about the bounce a conversational check.  I'm empty, quiet, and ready to embrace silence.  Like one's monetary account, my conversational account takes time to fill and each conversation is like a withdrawal from that account.  Somedays, I can't talk.

Taciturn (adj): Reserved or uncommunicative in speech; saying little.

No amount of coffee or good company can change it.  It just takes time to refill my conversational balance.  Words are a currency and I cannot spend more than I make.  This weekend, I feel as if I'm drawing close to the end of what I can offer in conversation.  I just want to spend time in the company of other people and listen to them without having to drive the conversation myself.


What about you?  Do you ever run out of words? How do you refill the conversational account?  How do you interact with others when you don't have the words to say?

It's a goal, not a resolution

The euphoria of a new year has passed.  Thus, it's time to write down a few goals for this year without the stigma of a "will I or won't I follow through" feeling that a typical New Year's Resolution may have.

1. Read.  Obvious, but reading good books hits me hard so I want to be intentional about it.  I'd like to read at least 24 new books this year.
2. Go deeper with fewer friends rather than having superficial relationships with a lot of people.  Specifically, I'm thinking about a couple of coworkers.
3. Make weekly calls to Nate, Pat, Jason, Joey, Jeremiah, David, Dave, or Matt.  I can't call each one each week and some will be called more often than others, but I need to be very intentional with these guys.
4. Kiss Katie.
5. Visit Ashley and Steve in Ohio.
6. Cook dinner for my mom.
7. Tweet less, write more.  I think in 140 characters when I should be thinking in sentences and paragraphs.  Less one-liners and more questions.

This list is a starting place.  It will change, explicitly and implicitly, as the year unfolds.  

Question:  What is your post-New Year Goal?

Do I love me or do I love you?

I just started dating my friend.  She was the inspiration behind such notable posts as Men and Women and Arbitrary Things I Love.  In short, I love her.

I've also started reading a book on long-term exclusive relationships that begin with a covenantal promise (Tim Keller's new book).

While it may appear intentional, it's really just happenstance that the relationship and reading are happening at the same time.  Really.

Whatever the case may be, my girlfriend and my book have caused me to think a lot about relationships and how they continue or fall apart.  One strong point the author makes in the book is the importance of denying one's self to serve and love the other.  We, the people, have a strongly self-centered nature bent on seeking the fulfillment of our dreams and desires and the easing of our aches and pains before we focus on others.  I won't go into all the detail and description that the author does, but I would like to say that I'm convicted by this truth.

I am radically self-centered.  To determine the exact degree to which I suffer this awful curse, divide the number of "I's" in this post by the total number of words.  It's got to be over 100%.  Seriously though, I am.  I try and fight it, but there are moments where I can't help but grumble "Why, oh why, am I driving home again this weekend?  Oh yeah, I love her."  My particular species of self-centeredness lends itself to a lack of generosity with my time, talents, and treasure.  I am easy to declare something as "not worth it."  This is not healthy for relationships with guys, girls, or God.

Love and self-centeredness are mutually exclusive.  They cannot coexist.  I cannot love my brother or my sister and seek what is best for them while still pursuing my own lusts and selfish ambitions.  We all recognize that some level of compromise is necessary in a relationship; what we don't recognize is how far we need to go sometimes.  It always comes to a point of decision; love others or love yourself.

I love Katie and I enjoy the drive home to see her.  However, I need to work on loving others selflessly and not indulging my Joel-centered thoughts/feelings/focus.